Words From Andy
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Canadian Goose: Majestic Waterfowl or Bastard of the Animal Kingdom.

Ahhh, yes, the Canadian Goose. Many associate this bird’s yearly migration with the coming and leaving of winter. Often their nasally, honking cackle is welcomed by frozen citizens of sub arctic suburbia as there return means a general chance at thawing out their frostbitten feet during the sunny Sundays of spring.

Once more these handsome birds, with their elegant black plumage, their white distinctive chin strapping, and adorable little wattle, make a fine Christmas meal. Or any meal for that matter. It doesn’t have to be for Christmas, goose just tastes good. So what’s not to like about these picturesque aves? One of the symbols of our northern neighbors and their remote unseen beauty.

Anyone who lives by them will tell you this… Canadian geese are bastards. And I don’t mean that they have no father, they are just all around jack holes of the animal world. That’s right, in study asking who was the biggest jack ass, all the animals agreed it was the Canadian Goose, that’s right, they beat the donkey. And when you’re more of an ass than the ass’s name sake… that’s saying something.

So what’s so bad about the goose? First off, they are mean. They would rip your face off of your skull and do the Mexican hat dance on it if given the chance. These are the animals that steal all the other animals lunch money. And then they give them swirlies in lake whirlpools. Think I’m joking? Step with in 10 feet of a goose and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Most animals will run away, but not the goose. Oh no. They stand up, wings open and start sprinting at you like a fat kid diving for the last Boston Cream.

And they hiss.

Oh yeah. They sound like a pissed off house cat. And once this happens your options are to turn and run or have you kneecaps pecked out by their flat spoon like beaks. It’s not a sharp poking, but a dull bighting jab. And when one goes, they all go. 50, 60 geese all charging at you, honking and hissing with one thought on their mind, you, kneecap-less, laying in a pool of your own blood while they peck away. And if that wasn’t bad enough, you’ll be laying in not only a pile of your own blood, but a mound of their crap. That’s right, goose also turn a nice picnic table, tennis court, or anywhere they happen to be into their own personal dumping ground of fecal matter. Now with most birds it’s not a big deal, mostly a small annoyance on your car that you can was off in a few seconds or during the next rain fall. But gooses are different. I’ve seen bigger droppings come out of the south end of a north bound goose than I have from my cat, and Katie is a fairly large feline.

And it’s everywhere! Picture an area with 400 cats, all relieving themselves indiscriminately all over the place, with absolutely no rhyme or reason. That is a fairly good description of your average gaggle of geese. Forget trying not to get it on your shoes, there’s no way your avoiding it. Ever.

So then, why, why are geese so well tolerated by people. If they are so mean to everyone and anything around them (I once saw a goose assault a harmless bunny rabbit once), why do we let them get away with it? My theory is goslings are just so darn cute. I know every time I walk by a goose and it hisses at me and I feel like kicking it I look at the little babies and think… aww, they got little web feet. And then you can’t. You can’t kick them cus you look at those little geese eyes and suddenly you feel sorry for have even thought about kicking that poor goose.

And they hop around, and waddle in single file everywhere. Yes, single file, just like you did in kindergarten, single file. You got your line leader baby goose, which is the suck up goose. And the line ender goose who asked to be back there so it can kinda slack off a bit. But yeah, you can’t fight back when you see those little yellow geese. You just think… “Aww, how cute.” And BOOM! Next thing you know, your lying in a pool of your own blood, with no knees and geese all around you… with baseball bats.

Mean while the baby geese play hopscotch, unaware of the bastards they are doomed to become. So how do you avoid this mob like fate? Simple, keep your distance from geese. They're one of those animals best admired from afar.

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